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The Fear to Share |
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April 8, 2008
At the time of this writing, I am in the process of putting down my ideas on paper and screen. It is the birthing process of what feels like the result of 30 years of deep longing for sharing creativity and play with the world. I am truly excited right now about entering this phase of more physical manifestation. And I am scared shitless. All sorts of fears keep coming up. For every “good” idea I have, a barrier attempting to prevent all movement is raised in my mind. My mind wants to protect me, yet again, from some invisible, potential danger that I don’t even want to analyze or understand. My heart feels so much joy for the movement I am finally allowing myself, however small and slow it is. And simultaneously, some deep sadness is bubbling up. The sadness that I still don’t fully trust my heart to lead me where my true joy lies, and that it will all work out better than it has ever had this way. My system is confused: there is no more up and down, North and South, right and wrong: all emotions seem to be present at once: joy and sadness, excitement and fear, freedom and claustrophobia. A giant universe of feelings, all existing in this very moment.
The judge raises her ugly head and says: “Who the hell do you think you are? Who do you think is ever going to be interested in your present process? Who do you think is ever going to be interested in what you think you have to offer? Plus, get real! A million of other people are already doing it, and doing it better than you can ever hope to do it at this time. They have more of everything to offer than you have. Why don’t you come down to this reality, be a bit more humble, and start working for somebody, instead of wasting your time in your delusional dream?”Sometimes, I say that I don’t want to write because as soon as the words are out and down, they are not the truth anymore. “The” truth does not exist. But stopping at this realization would be missing the point of writing entirely. If I am honest, I can see how it could very well be another of my mind’s excuses not to choose creative self-expression. Because my heart’s truth in this moment, is a deep longing to share. Not to be right. Not to teach. Not to be respected or admired. But simply to exercise this other means of self-expression which comes from deep inside me. To reach deep inside my heart, to the core of my raw emotions, and bring it all to the light, for all who wish to share in it.
Children have it, why shouldn’t I? Was there a life-rule that I missed along the way that said: “Past 10 years old, you shall not write for the pleasure of it, unless you have something intelligent to say”?
I have spent so much of my time lately wondering "if" I should share, "what" I should share, and "when" I should share. And it has given me a headache, not a release. The only release is self-expression and sharing. Not imposing my sharing, but making it available, like paintings in a book or in a show.
And now, enough is enough. I just can’t hold it anymore. It has to come out. After all, what am I so worried about? No one has to read my words. No one has to like them. But have you ever noticed in your life, how you just never know how and when you may be touching another deeply, or how they will touch you? Why deprive them and myself of this gift? It is time to let go of all the shame, judgments and restrictions. It is time to let it all hang out and have fun. And this time is NOW. Perhaps this is why so many people have websites and blogs. Not just to sell you something. But to share and communicate about themselves, their values, their passion, their success and their struggles. In other words, share their humanity with others. Mmmh... perhaps I will add a blog to my site...
Anne.D
